Joni is a amazing woman and dear to my heart, she is willing to share some of her story to the TGL readers. I hope that you are as touched by her Journey to Motherhood as I am. Share your comments and show some love!
|Joni with my son Jack|
A Desire for the Great Letdown
Well beautiful ladies, Megan has asked me to share the last year and a half of my and my husband, Steve's, lives. An easier task to agree to then follow through on I'm afraid.
I met Megan and her husband shortly after her precious Jack was born, and after Steve (Megan's cousin and my husband) and I had had yet another miscarriage. Let me back up though...
Steve and I met nearly nine years ago in college, he was dating someone else and later engaged to someone else, while deployed to Iraq. Two and a half years ago, a little over a year since Steve had been honorably discharged from the Army we ran into each other for the first time in over three years at a mutual friend's birthday party. A week later, the week before Christmas 2008, we were dating. April 21st 2009 he proposed and I was more than thrilled, as I had had a crush on him since the first time we met! After another five months of preparation we were married on September 18th, 2009...one of the hottest September days I've seen in years (95 degrees!)
Thrilled to be married we began discussing starting a family right away...at 26 and 30 years old we didn't want to waste any more time - especially with my history of endometriosis and poly-cystic ovaries. Within no time we discovered we were expecting and began planning for the greatest joy we could think of to enter our lives. The week before Christmas 2009 we discovered we were officially six weeks along and people told me I was glowing. We were thrilled at the prospect of sharing with all our family (our parents were already aware and excited) over the Christmas holiday. When Christmas Eve came and I went to work for a few hours to close up my store (Caribou Coffee) I started not feeling well. I pushed aside the fears that I had been holding onto and ignored the pains I was feeling and simply asked to stay home for Christmas as I was not feeling well. Two weeks later, a week before my birthday, at work again, I began bleeding...that afternoon we learned that our precious baby had died on Christmas Eve, at 7 weeks and 2 days gestation. I was beyond devastated.
From the age of 15 doctors had told me that I would either never conceive or would have such a high hormone level due to my endometrosis I would have no trouble conceiving, so it didn't surprise me when we learned about 7 weeks after loosing our angel, whom we named Carrmindy Anne, that we were indeed about 3 weeks pregnant. We lost Simeon Nathan within 4 days of discovering this news. Loosing Simeon only made me angry and more determined to have my dream come true and within a month we were trying again. By June we were 4 weeks 3 days along before we lost Matthew Ryan. Carrmindy Anne's due date came with great pain, August 8th, 2010 and I couldn't even stand to have Steve look at me that whole week.
The middle of October 2010 I became aware, once again, of the change in my body...at this point I have become so intune with my body that I know within 48 hours that I am with child. My new OBGYN began monitoring my HCG level a week later and we were seeing amazing rises in my level over the next three weeks! The doctor was amazed and the guessed four weeks along we went in for our first ultrasound to begin monitoring the baby's growth. Things looked good and a small spring of hope developed. My OB wanted to continue monitoring so we scheduled another HCG, followed my three ultrasounds within four days of each other and the end of the last week of November it was confirmed, baby number four was not developing, nor letting go. On the afternoon of November 29th I had my first DNC and came home feeling high on pain killers and numb.
Over the next two and a half months Steve and I had blood panel after blood panel drawn and I had an HSG (hysterosalpingogram). All of tests have lead to zero answers. Our blood shows nothing, the mixing of our blood shows nothing, and the HSG showed a very normal reproductive system. The doctors all encourage more trying and immediate phone calls upon discovery...no baby yet but a lot of prayer.
I won't lie and say that every day is perfect, in fact it is anything but. The difference is we have given it over to God. Recently I had a dream that gave me great comfort but I didn't believe it until, in the middle of an interview for a nannying position, I said, without a second thought, "My husband and I are unable to have children of our own." As soon as the words were out of my mouth my comfort level rose and I felt life once again enter my bones. Deep down I truly feel that Steve and I will never have children of our own but God provides amazing comfort in our moments of weakness and pain.
I know I a meant to be a mother - I know it in my heart and feel it in my bones. I no longer cry at the thought of my babies gone but smile at the knowledge that they are in Heaven, worshipping with the angels! Every child I come across holds a special place in my heart and I have many nieces and nephews...even a godson! I hope and pray that one day I will hear the word "mommy" and it will be meant for me. I may never experience The Great Letdown but someday I hope I can share my own stories of joys with my child(ren) with you.