Confessions

Hi there all, I thought that I would start this personal post by letting those that are reading know that this is not a offensive more "dissing" post and choose to tell my story as a small child till now. Please take my words kindly as all who are part of my life I love dearly!

I want to write this personal post to be able to cope with things in my life I cant seem to let go sometimes. When I was little I remember my parents being happy and loving one another, we moved a lot and finally can at a stand still in this beautiful house in Cottage Grove. I have most of my fondest and vivid memories from my childhood there. I remember it have a huge pink flower blooming tree in the back yard that had the most amazing swing in it. I remember getting my first bee sting while eating a popsicle on the deck and many a barbecue with friends and family. I remember playing cowboys and Indians with my brother, with the cap guns we got at the gas station with our well earned allowance! I think the best memory I have is the  day that we brought our dog home, we named him Cody and he was the best dog in the whole world! I love that dog more then anything, every day after school he would be there waiting for me at the top of the stairs, wanting to go for our routine walk. Cody and I became more and more attached to each other I remember now as my parents grew apart and my brother no longer thought I was "cool" to play with. 

Cody my dog, became my life. I took care of him and loved him. I remember if I didn't let him into my room he would be scratching and wining at the door. I remember all the nights that my parents would argue, thinking that I could not hear them but we shared a wall and Cody was someone I knew that would not leave or make me sad. I remember seeing my mother sleeping on the couch and my parents not talking to each other as it always resulted in a argument. The worst day of my childhood was soon coming. My older brother who we will call C, was a bad child and was heavily into drugs and spend more time in juvenile centers then any where else. As I was at school one day, C came home and was completely waisted on a cocktail of drugs, he soon decided that he no longer like Cody, who was just laying there in his bed. C got up and started to beat him and beat him and beat him. Cody died shortly after. Normally when school was out I would wait for my other brother who I will call R as he was a cross guard but something in me told me to go home. So I walked home alone, to find my mothers Van parked in the drive. This was strange as my mother was never home during the day. I ran into my house dropped my bag and didn't see Cody, I cried I already knew he was gone without her even saying anything. I broke I felt alone and I was so angry with my mother and C. Angry with C for doing this and angry with my mother as she cremated him and I never got to say goodbye. I still hurt by the loss of Cody.

After that event things really started to change my parents grew more apart and us kids we knew there was something wrong, then before I knew it my mother was gone. I remember that day like it was yesterday. R and I were playing outside with out toys and cap guns and mother drove up, again this was strange as she was always working, told R and I to "STAY out HERE!" We did but still we pressed out ears against the door. We heard yelling and hurtful words and some things I didn't understand, I remember my mother pushing that front door open and leaving. R and I ran inside to find my day crying to himself. He saw us and held us tight and told us over and over again that this is not our fault and I didn't even know what was going on. My mom left us for another man. I didn't see her much after that. My father moved us out of our big house to a 3 bed 3rd floor walk up apartment.

me on the far right with my family of friends. 

I started to make friends where we lived and yet I felt so empty, my father began to drink more and work whenever he could. I know he had to keep us afloat but I feel there was more to it then that. I remember starting the 4th grade, that was scary as I didn't know many and I had a secret. I started becoming a woman and didn't know it so I was being made fun of for have a chest at 9 years of age, shortly into my 4th grade year I want to say two weeks. I remember feeling strange and went to the bathroom and thought that I was dying as NO ONE told me about what happens to girls that are going through puberty. I ran to the nurses office and called my father and he proposed I call my mother. So I did and that day is still my favorite memory of my mother and I. She picked me up and brought me to Target to get all the things that I needed and explained to me what was going on. We grabbed some Rocky Road ice cream and went back to her home and watched days of our lives and gossiped all afternoon.

Loveland park playing BBall or getting into mischief. I went through a lot with these kids I called family. I fell in love when I was very young, or so I thought that I did. I thought that he loved me too. At the age of 12 I was no longer a little girl also the worse day of my life. My family was there for me and let me know that I was not a bad person. Without them I don't think that I would have survived as much in life as I did doing it alone.

Just as I felt like we were doing well in life my dad meets someone. We will call her H. At first I loved her thought the world of her actually. She had two boys both younger then me. Her and my dad decided to marry and er moved up north as she had a house there. Things were great until my dad said "I DO". In a nut shell my life sucked from that point on. H was not nice to me, I was treated like a slave and spoke down to. I was told I had to work, go to school, take care of her children, cook the meals and clean. When that was not done I was in a world of trouble. I strongly disliked this woman! I was not allowed to leave the house but to take her kids to the park, school or work. That was it. No playing with friends and no fun. I began to think I was never going to get out of the Hell that I was living. When I was a senior in high school a teacher of mine told me all the things that I never heard from anyone else. He told me that I was actually good at something. Photography started to become my life and was the only way that I felt safe. I knew that no matter what no one could take my love for that away from me. When I graduated I wanted out so bad but had no place to go and no car or licence. I was not allowed to drive as I believe it was H's way to keep me near. I was under someones control and I hated it, I hated that my father never stuck up for me and never seemed to mind what she did to me. Tell me that I am worthless and would not amount to much. So with my new relationship that I had with my teacher Steve and his wife, I knew that they were my answer as they told me all the time that they cared about me. So I talked to them and they both offered me something that at the time I was not aware would change my life. I began to live in there spare room in there home and for the first time I felt like I was in a home that was filled wit love and structure. They took care of me but allowed me to make the important life choices and mistakes that make up a persons character. They parented me more in 3 1/2 years under their roof then in all my life from the people that passed in and out of it.

I credit a lot of who I am not to those amazing people and they are amazing grandparents to my children. I do now have a great relationship with my parents and am thankful for that. My parents love me and my children and that is all I can ask for now that I am a mother and wife. My father and mother are there for me as much as they can be, being as we all live far away. There is nothing in my life that I regret as without the pattern that took place I would not have ended in the path that I am in now. I am married to the most amazing man and have my family around me and that is all that I ever needed me. Family, Love and support. Never would I dwell on what happen but I will never forget. I forgive all those who have ever hurt me or hurt those I care about. There are more things in my life that I could never put down on paper but will forever carry. Its baggage, I know this but its my baggage and without it I would not be as strong as I am today. My husband loves me no matter what my past holds. With this in mind I close with this. My parents and siblings are my family and that's what matters, I love them no matter there faults or mistakes as they do the same with me. My family meaning my husband and children are now what I need. I know they will never have to go thought the things that I have.

Thanks for taking the time to read my story as this took a lot to write. I took a lot out as some was still to painful to admit. But some day Ill scream those out  too.