Monday, January 10, 2011
The moment that I found out that I was going to be a mother, it was the most fantastic news! Emma was born on a very cold day in February and it was a blizzard out! When we were finally able to bring her home after a week in the NICU, we were just thrilled. I drove about 3MPH!!! She will be three in Feb, and I just don't know were the time went. Along the years we had another, a little boy named Jack. Although I thought that it would only be twice as hard [ as Emma was a fantastic little girl, I figured it would not be to hard] I was wrong in the worst of ways! After my son was about three months old, I believe I snapped! My husband is always working and I feel we have no time together, my son will not stop crying and I find myself getting mad/frustrated with a little tiny person, as I hold him and begin to cry my eyes out as well! My daughter demands my attention in the most inopportune times, it's a great possibility that I have not showered in days, laundry is piling up and my house smells like poop!!!! I sometimes feel as if I have failed in some way, I feel that there are so many people who depend on me and need me, I am only one person and cant do it all. As a mother most of us are built to multi-task and have all the answers, but what no one realizes is how exhausting it is!
I feel most days like a bad mother, I want so badly to spend time with my kids the way that they want, but how? Emma wants me over there doing what she wants and Jack wants to eat! I just cant do both. I know that my kids love me and god knows that I love them but is there ever a moment in my day that I can feel like a woman again? A woman that can shower when she wants, get dressed and maybe put some make-up on? At the end of the day, when my husband comes home and takes the munchkin, gives me a big kiss I feel relieved and bad all at the same time. I wonder why I feel like giving up most days and throwing in the towel. Then there are "those moments" the ones that make your heart melt and remind you why you are a mother and love it so much.
My moments are as follows, when my daughter comes up to me and says "Mommy you are my best friend!" and that comes with a hug and kiss! When I am upset and/or crying about something, she will go into the bathroom get the roll of toilet paper, sit next to me and say, "mommy don't cry, wipe your cry off. I love you!" When Jack and I are snuggling in bed, after the morning nurse. He plays with my hair and giggles! The sound of him giggling is all I need to feel great inside! When I see my kids playing and giggling together, I forget how hard it can be sometimes and so much more.
I had one of those days, you know the ones were you feel as if nothing is going right. I just wanted to throw that little white towel in and just give up, wondering why I feel so defeated all the time. Then one of those moments happened. Jack started to cry and would not stop and she went over there and said "buddy its okay you not cry..." kissed him and started to sing 'you are my sunshine, my only sunshine!' My heart melted and Jack stopped and giggled at her. She looked back at me to tell me that he stopped crying. How is it that a 3 year old can make me feel so amazing! I would never in a million years change my life, and my kids will always be there to remind me how wonderful motherhood is! From the Eskimo kisses to the dirty diapers, nothing is worth missing and its all worth savoring!! Motherhood chose me, and I am forever grateful for the gifts that god has given me!
Posted by Megan Rockenbach at 11:58 PM